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6th March 2012

9:31pm: Hi everyone
Hope you are all doing well. I promise you im not gone away. just in a hole called grad school. wrapping it up soon tho and will visit LA/OC!

Miss you all!

15th February 2012

7:59pm: +
Things have been happening so fast for me. Maybe more than I can keep up with. School has been wonderful but I am so poor now. lol. I am learning so much at school and I see so many potential career paths. I am interested in everything I learn. I want to do everything. But I can't decide which path to take. I'm really scared of making a mistake here. Should I stay or should I go?

All this time, it has been a whirlwind. I have been working so hard for my masters degree. I defend in early march and I finally finish this rat race. Then a couple more months i graduate and life goes on. The next stage begins.

I feel i have grown so much and aged so much. Im still me but things have been tacked on one by one. Today I saw myself change into a person I never thought I could be. A confident person. Calm. In control. Strong. Direct. It was just a class exercise but I felt so different after that. Its still too much to believe. I am still that afraid young girl inside. But at least I glimpsed at what I could be. What was and now. Maybe it was a stupid small class exercise but it made me believe that maybe I can let go of the fear. Have more confidence in myself.

I realized I have not had time to reflect much in lj these past few years. I couldn't get the words to come out.

Just a few more months. I can see it now.

9th August 2011

10:01am: maybe there's hope.

14th July 2011

10:32pm: screech
had a car accident for the first time. it was an interesting experience. luckily i didnt get hurt but the passenger side of my car got scratched from wheel to wheel. it was his fault and though its a pain to have to go through getting the car a new paint job, i see it as a learning experience. we have so many close calls when driving that we are bound to get hit at least once. i am fortunate that it was a minor lesson. i'll know how to handle it next time.

2nd July 2011

10:04pm: The Things by Peter Watts
The only words to describe this short story is poetic biology. poetic sci fi.

I have no idea what the plot was because I got too lost and enamored with the words. Oh somehow its based on an 80s scifi horror film called The Thing. Still, I appreciate this story without fully understanding it.

http://escapepod.org/2011/06/23/ep298-the-things/

Here are some memorable passages.

What kind of a world rejects communion ?

It’s the simplest, most irreducible insight that biomass can have. The more you can change, the more you can adapt. Adaptation is fitness, adaptation is survival . It’s deeper than intelligence, deeper than tissue; it is cellular , it is axiomatic. And more, it is pleasurable . To take communion is to experience the sheer sensual delight of bettering the cosmos.

And how could these skins be so empty when I moved in?

I’m used to finding intelligence everywhere, winding through every part of every offshoot. But there was nothing to grab onto in the mindless biomass of this world: just conduits, carrying orders and input. I took communion, when it wasn’t offered; the skins I chose struggled and succumbed; my fibrils infiltrated the wet electricity of organic systems everywhere. I saw through eyes that weren’t yet quite mine, commandeered motor nerves to move limbs still built of alien protein. I wore these skins as I’ve worn countless others, took the controls and left the assimilation of individual cells to follow at its own pace.

But I could only wear the body. I could find no memories to absorb, no experiences, no comprehension. Survival depended on blending in, and it was not enough to merely look like this world. I had to act like it—and for the first time in living memory I did not know how.

19th June 2011

10:41pm: not too good but not too bad. its a good start actually
I signed the lease to a new apartment today. Grad student housing has been crap so I am looking forward to this move. The house is right next to the transverse mountains and its so quiet out there. Really peaceful. Its far away from school though. A 40 minute bike ride but I think it will be good for me. I have not exercised in a long time so it will be good.

Summer has slipped in and school is finished but because of my internship and part time job, I feel like I have never skipped a beat. Not much time for relaxation or vacation anyway. Nonetheless I think I do have more time for fun and am looking forward to spending more time with people.

I've learned that things are fleeting. Some things are worth fighting for and some things are not. I am growing but I have still more growing to do. Now is the time to be courageous, forgiving, humble but strong.

31st May 2011

10:54pm: Take a load off Annie
wow. june. where did the time go? where did i go?
gosh. im so nervous. but i think its going to be okay. i hope its not too late.
two weeks left til school ends and finally i can breathe a little more easily.
17 years and finally she let him meet our family. that was big. and i am so happy.
i never knew what it took. all those false lights at the end of the tunnel. it took all i got.
i need to start dancing again. start forgiving myself for giving it up.
i want to volunteer, rockclimb, join a band. its a promise. so much to live for.
for my friends who have been feeling so alone. you are not alone. i was always there if you needed me.

11th May 2011

9:43pm: news
Breyers was on sale at Ralphs for 2.88. i bought three.

im digesting everything now.

9th May 2011

11:57pm: i know my problem. but why dont i move?
i haven't believed in myself for a long time now. i need a hug i don't deserve.

7th May 2011

11:45pm: i haven't felt very alive these days.
everything is too much.

8th January 2011

3:06pm: i remembered my password
despite being back on facebook, i still find lj more intimate. facebook is too complicated, too public, too painful.


Ive been driven by shame and fear for a long long long time now. Its affected how i view myself and my connections to the people in my life.

I am not perfect. I made the decision to check out and isolate myself for the last few months because i felt undeserving of anyone's love and friendship. i realize that was wrong.

So for 2011. i am not looking forward to it. there is still a lot of hard times and pain i know i will have to go through. but instead of writing down 2011 resolutions. I am going to take a shot at showing you my pain and shame and fears for 2011. you can say nothing or say something. you can find this post awkward or not. this is just me right now. As i am. no strings attached.

FEARS:

I am afraid I cant make it through grad school. That it is too hard. And I cant do it. and I cant juggle it with spending free time to myself or with the people I care about
I fear that im not going to make it in life (ie get a good, stable job)
I fear that I will be poor. That everyone will get a job and I will struggle
I am afraid of growing up. i dont know what that means

I fear that my mom will die on this trip to south Africa and leave me behind

I fear that I will be misunderstood
I fear that I will be judged
I fear that I will lose the love of those i care about.
I fear that I am not worthy of anyone’s love
I fear being alone

I fear that no one will like the real me. whatever that means
I am afraid of being rejected, by friends, by family, by employers
I am afraid that how I feel about my friends isn’t how they feel about me.
I am afraid that my relationships to other people are just thin strings and any wrong thing I do I could cut those ties.
I am afraid that my friends wont be there for me. but I realize that im not letting them in and its my fault for doing that.
I am afraid of disconnect from other people

I am afraid that I will always blame myself and punish myself like I already am doing.
I am afraid that my need to fix things, to act, isn’t doing a hoots difference
I am afraid that I am too harsh on myself. And that it will be the cause of my destruction

I am afraid of making a mistake. Of living with regret. My life doesn’t need to be perfect but I somehow need it to be directed and organized
I am afraid of change
I am afraid of uncertainty.
I am afraid of being helpless
I am afraid of living my life.
I am afraid of dying without everyone knowing how much I care about them
I am afraid of annoying or bothering anyone
I am afraid of not being productive in a day
I am afraid of my self esteem. how much it controls my life

Im afraid that if I talk about my feelings to my friends , they will be uncomfortable and I will feel more disconnected to them.
I am afraid of asking my friends for help/advice and love because I feel like I don’t deserve it.
I am afraid of being vulnerable because it could get you deeply hurt
I am afraid of failure. Failure to the people I care about and the standards I have made for myself

I am afraid of the person I am changing into
I am afraid of who I am changing into is not who I want to be or used to be
I am afraid of not knowing myself.
I am afraid of not knowing what I want. For being confused and therefore feeling weak

I am afraid of moving on.
I am afraid of letting go of the past and facing the future and neglecting the present
I am afraid of not belonging.
I am afraid of what I lost.
I am afraid of what I gained.


I am afraid that im not going to get better and that therapy isn’t working

I am afraid that i am just not good enough
__________________________________________________________________________


but i am just ready to talk again. to open up again.
just show you who i am, as imperfect as i am and have faith that you will accept me somehow. as little or as much as you want.

im sorry i wasnt there for you in the past few months or even longer than that.

i've been selfish and too afraid. i just have the need to say im sorry. so sorry.

23rd July 2010

10:31am: ho hum
June passed by so fast. all the old stresses of moving and ending a two year job has passed.
July brings its share of stresses. the free and alone time also a stress in itself in that I can indulge on the thoughts that i didnt have the time before to consider.

In a small photo shoot for my country western dance place, a photographer recited this poem to me.

You loved me for a little,
Who could not love me long;
You gave me wings of gladness
And lent my spirit song.
You loved me for an hour
But only with your eyes;
Your lips I could not capture
By storm or by surprise.
Your mouth that I remember
With rush of sudden pain
As one remembers starlight
Or roses after rain...
Out of a world of laughter
Suddenly I am sad....
Day and night it haunts me,
The kiss I never had.

-Sydney King Russell

4th June 2010

9:39pm: The fundamental things apply
im utterly dependent on music to keep my sanity intact. Songs for each situation. each emotion needed to be felt. if you cant talk about all the things you are feeling then you have to have the song sing it for you.

heres what i've been listening to repeatedly for the past 3 weeks.

Glee version - One less bell to answer
Glee version - A house is not a home
Alicia Keys - If I aint got you
Bon Iver - Skinny Love
The Eagles - The best of my love
Train - Hey Soul Sister

29th May 2010

8:27am: my boob is fine!
Biopsy result showed to be normal. yay. mom relax now. lena relax now.

Glee's gaga episode was great. rachels anticlimatic realistic reunion with her mom. and kurt's ddad and finn's conversation. I burst into tears watching kurt's dad tell finn off. because those words happen and they ultimately hurt. still its sad when they ask the "guys" to come up and sing and all the guys EXCEPT kurt sing. Whats with that? and the way they wrapped things up was a little too easy. i would still have hard feelings a little. but great episode regardless.

15th May 2010

12:40am: podcasts shoutout
Podcasts are my new love these days. I listen every day and i want more and more.

I love the idea of audio learning, audio listening. Its absolutely lovely. I feel more in touch with the world to be honest. I've been wrapped up in my own life for so long that i feel freed by podcasts. especially podcasts that report political and everyday news. I've listened to the Rachel Maddow and Bill Moyers podcasts and they are brilliant. I am getting a sense of the nation through them. But I also love the learning! the Stuff you should know podcast is such a great injection of random information that is soooo interesting. Such as how bounty hunting works, or how totem poles work. Really great hosts and a great way to just learn. I am also keeping up with the latest science news from the Skeptics guide to the universe which talks about the latest scientific breakthroughs which i also care about. Also i find astronomy sooo fascinating that im listening to Astronomy Cast which explains to the typical lay person what a neutron star is or how relativity works. also sooo interesting! And lastly i am especially passionate about the large exposure i get to short fiction. These podcasts have affected me in such profound ways. I havnt read a book for fun in years and its so nice to find another way of getting to know good literature through audio listening. I highly recommend PRI Selected shorts podcast and Escape pod (Science fiction shorts). And now im expanding and trying out other podcasts in other genres such as horror and fantasy. Im really excited about podcasts as you can see. I feel more inspired, in touch with writers, scientists, politics through podcasting. Its become my only source of news and touch with the outside world i feel. i am also going to try a history podcast because i loved history class in high school.

im trying to collect a variety of podcasts that fill those areas of interest that i've lost touch with or long forgot about. science, history, literature, politics. need next is to find a decent gay podcast or maybe a film podcast. who knows. the sky's the limit when it comes to podcasts. i have so many to share

4th May 2010

9:40pm: glee
i song is a good song if it can change your mood so suddenly from happy to utterly depressed.

listen to glee's "a house is not a home" song by kurt.

18th April 2010

11:12pm: oh man
I seriously wish i had the time and energy to write in this lj these days. i want so much to share about my experiences for the past couple of months. what im going through. what im thinking and feeling but i just cant bring myself to sit down and write at length. so much swimming in my head. i've got so many decisions to make. things in every aspect of my life to deal with. trying to keep up the pace and stay connected with you guys. but here it is in a nutshell. hugely simplified factually and emotionally.

1. trying to decide between master programs in cal state fullerton and UC santa barbara. both masters, but VERY different career paths. im killing myself over the decision making process...

2. dancing is making me very happy. i cherish the plutonic connections i make with other people on the dance floor so much. started swing dancing and i love it.

3. trying to schedule appointments for my health realated issues. got teeth to clean, new contacts to order, ultrasounds on my boob and throat, blood tests.

4. logistics of moving from my berkeley apt to some place for a month until i leave my job then eventually back down to so cal.

5. work out how i am to pay for school. must get new part time job in so cal beginning august

6. must arrange flights to visit family and friend(rachel) in NY, and family in minnesota and toronto during the summer.

7. pondering the meaning, cost, value and connections in my life. working out the practical stuff, the weak areas i need to improve, and so forth. in other words im worrying about everything.



i genuinely hope all of you are doing well and im sure we are all dealing with hard things these days. take good care of yourself always.

-mc

16th March 2010

1:01am: cant sleep. will pay for it later
too much going on in my head. went through a weekend where i didnt have a weekend. so felt like straight work. we had a lab retreat which comprised of writing workshops and critique of manuscripts. highly intense intellectual stuff but very informative. highlights though was being able to hang out with the entire labmates, many of whom i do not see very much or interact with. other highlight was playing soccer on the field with the lab and we had an equal ratio of those who had fun and those who got injured. but still i enjoyed it very much. but then i had to work today.

totally mundane and boring day of tedious working. but i had my podcasts to catch up on and i listened to a lot of news on politics that got be very riled up. for example, obama is not going to have cap and trade in his energy bill, an incentive to limit co2 emmissions. also i heard that the watered down health reform bill will not be having a public option which is stupid because it is so favored by the people that i wish the democrats had a backbone and weren't so irrationally afraid of the republicans threatening to filibuster everything! and lastly I heard an excerpt from a documentary similar to moore's sicko and i made tears well up in my eyes while at work. i literally heard a sick man with liver disease getting beaten by bill collectors with no health insurance want to give up on life. it broke my heart when i heard him want out. i cannot imagine how many people have died directly or indirectly in the hands of insurance companies rejecting people at a time when they need help the most. its wrong. its enraging. its evil.
im still young and relatively healthy but i do not want to live in this country when im older and bound to have medical issues. i want to leave the country. it is failing our people. simply failing.

on another note. other things have come up in my life im not ready to discuss to myself or anyone yet. but i may be beginning a new chapter in my life soon and im scared as hell. scared of failing scared of disappointing myself and those that i love. too much to deal with mentally. will sort it out later. logistics and mentality.

at the same time i guess, im truly starting to feel happier about my life here in berkeley. im making more friends and getting used to things. all i want to do is connect with people. learn more about them. its exciting when you meet new people so different from you. i am ready to stop wallowing in my room and get out there. make some new and memorable memories. i want so much out of my time and juggling it between so many things i have to do is damned hard. but i feel positive on the whole these days.

i want it all.

-mc

7th March 2010

8:56am: what a wonderful morning. coping being alone but enjoying it
Worked all day saturday for 10 hours. tired but had a great dinner with labmates. got tipsy over one japanese beer. saboro is good.

this morning wok up early took a refreshing shower. And took an hour to get dressed. listening and dancing to 500 days of summer soundtrack with the cat on my bed. play a little with him as i chose each article of clothing to put on. well out to breakfast with my family now.

just wanted to log this good feeling of this morning.

-mc

1st January 2010

10:35am: New years resolution
Never made one. maybe its not a resolution really but I am determined to start trying more soup recipes. We cantos make a lot of soup and over the past holiday, my mom made me three kinds of soup! oh how i didn't realize how much i missed soup till now. I used to drink soup once a day! Now I will try my best to make delicious soup. soup soup soup

28th December 2009

9:39pm: i guess i'll reflect but not too much
this year thats coming to an end. depending on my mood it was and still is terrible or fine.

terrible part came from after summer and until now because i left my past and was forced to confront my future. moving away from lena and all the friends i've made in so cal was and still is hard. i have notoriously had a hard time making the effort to keep in touch with people though how i feel about them never really changes inside. i've felt terribly isolated tho I admit that is my own damn fault.

at the same time, i made some really great friendships with my co-workers and i will be sad to see one of them go in a month. somehow because we all were new to Berkeley and know very few people, we've banded together and had some fun times. and last but not least, in the last few months, i have entered the exciting and fabulous world of gay country dancing. Only Eric has come with me which i appreciate very much. it has given me a lot of hope and positivity about living in norcal. i've begun to make friends through this, although i wish it were more somehow.

havent cracked the lesbian scene at all in sf i believe it is hidden and somehow i need the find the right secret code to get in or something.

and also in the last month of the year, i finally mustered the courage to attend a pflag meeting. good but at the same time brought up a lot of hurt. my step is to get my mom to read a pamphlet! im still scared shitless at such a small task.


i wish everyone a safe and happy new year wherever you all are.

5th December 2009

11:36pm: contra
Fun today. tried contra dancing this time. way more social and easy than country. You get to dance with a lot of people in the dance. people dance with a partner and sometimes two couples get together to make a ring of four people that do really neat moves in a circle. best part was that it was gender role neutral. People typically playing the man's role which usually were the leads would have an armband around their arms to denote they were leads. Followers were bare and every dance had a caller. someone on the mircophone telling them what to do. it was awesome

11th November 2009

12:14am: budding
Im truly starting to love Lady Gaga after watching the music video for Bad Romance.

19th October 2009

11:57pm: Sundance Stompede
one crazy weekend.

Spending time with friends, family and the crazy 4 day country western event!

I am in LOVE with country dancing. i've met new friends and learned so many dances. still working on getting better but its thrilling. never thought i'd start liking country music but here i am.

Heres a video of one of the top same sex couples who performed for us at the stompede. ITs totally amazing what they can do!





Only gays can pull this off








Current Mood: happy

31st August 2009

12:48pm: what a friggin time
computer crashed for two weeks. limited internet. went through a week long road trip from Colorado through Wyoming, Idaho, Oregon and back to California. and tomorrow im on another week long trip in Napa county doing pretty much hard labor. oh my god. everybody is saying, im just going through a transition right now and how im feeling is just for now. its taking a long long time though. i feel i may never be happy here. and then i went with Chris Shymansky to go gay line dancing. for the first time in months, i felt really happy. really excited about something. country dance is so much fun. gay cow boys everywhere! theres lessons in the beginning and then its open dance for all. I had a blast. I had hope. I felt great about myself and felt sociable. i really needed this. too bad my stupid week long trips will prevent me from going as often. i wanna find people to go with as well. going alone is hard.

i miss everyone in southern california. love u all.

-mc
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