i remembered my password
despite being back on facebook, i still find lj more intimate. facebook is too complicated, too public, too painful. :
Ive been driven by shame and fear for a long long long time now. Its affected how i view myself and my connections to the people in my life.
I am not perfect. I made the decision to check out and isolate myself for the last few months because i felt undeserving of anyone's love and friendship. i realize that was wrong.
So for 2011. i am not looking forward to it. there is still a lot of hard times and pain i know i will have to go through. but instead of writing down 2011 resolutions. I am going to take a shot at showing you my pain and shame and fears for 2011. you can say nothing or say something. you can find this post awkward or not. this is just me right now. As i am. no strings attached.
I am afraid I cant make it through grad school. That it is too hard. And I cant do it. and I cant juggle it with spending free time to myself or with the people I care about
I fear that im not going to make it in life (ie get a good, stable job)
I fear that I will be poor. That everyone will get a job and I will struggle
I am afraid of growing up. i dont know what that means
I fear that my mom will die on this trip to south Africa and leave me behind
I fear that I will be misunderstood
I fear that I will be judged
I fear that I will lose the love of those i care about.
I fear that I am not worthy of anyone’s love
I fear being alone
I fear that no one will like the real me. whatever that means
I am afraid of being rejected, by friends, by family, by employers
I am afraid that how I feel about my friends isn’t how they feel about me.
I am afraid that my relationships to other people are just thin strings and any wrong thing I do I could cut those ties.
I am afraid that my friends wont be there for me. but I realize that im not letting them in and its my fault for doing that.
I am afraid of disconnect from other people
I am afraid that I will always blame myself and punish myself like I already am doing.
I am afraid that my need to fix things, to act, isn’t doing a hoots difference
I am afraid that I am too harsh on myself. And that it will be the cause of my destruction
I am afraid of making a mistake. Of living with regret. My life doesn’t need to be perfect but I somehow need it to be directed and organized
I am afraid of change
I am afraid of uncertainty.
I am afraid of being helpless
I am afraid of living my life.
I am afraid of dying without everyone knowing how much I care about them
I am afraid of annoying or bothering anyone
I am afraid of not being productive in a day
I am afraid of my self esteem. how much it controls my life
Im afraid that if I talk about my feelings to my friends , they will be uncomfortable and I will feel more disconnected to them.
I am afraid of asking my friends for help/advice and love because I feel like I don’t deserve it.
I am afraid of being vulnerable because it could get you deeply hurt
I am afraid of failure. Failure to the people I care about and the standards I have made for myself
I am afraid of the person I am changing into
I am afraid of who I am changing into is not who I want to be or used to be
I am afraid of not knowing myself.
I am afraid of not knowing what I want. For being confused and therefore feeling weak
I am afraid of moving on.
I am afraid of letting go of the past and facing the future and neglecting the present
I am afraid of not belonging.
I am afraid of what I lost.
I am afraid of what I gained.
I am afraid that im not going to get better and that therapy isn’t working
I am afraid that i am just not good enough
but i am just ready to talk again. to open up again.
just show you who i am, as imperfect as i am and have faith that you will accept me somehow. as little or as much as you want.
im sorry i wasnt there for you in the past few months or even longer than that.
i've been selfish and too afraid. i just have the need to say im sorry. so sorry.